How to say Goodbye... Even when you just don't want to.

I can still remember the first phone call to say our dear friend Ange had cancer.. It came to us as a surprise, I couldn't believe it, I didn't believe it... I still don't want to believe it, but it's the truth. Denial is so much easier than truth. I prefer easy... Even if that meant that up until this point a part of me pretended she was still here with us. My brain knew she wasn't, my heart just couldn't take the thought, my eyes knew no other way... Until now, now my eyes see she isn't here, they see that she isn't coming back... Instead now they see her husband... Happy... Happy with my sister. They see both of them happy. For the first time in some time neither of them are hiding a dark shadow that follows them, and for that I am happy too. I cry because I know the day is going to come when Ange is no longer the image that looks up at us from his phone screen, every time he presses his phone on, for those couple of seconds she is still here, and everything seems ok, for those couple of seconds she is happy and pain free again, for those couple of seconds I don't have to face a reality that he has had to face for months now, a lonely reality... That he is slowly coming back from. Why do I have to be the one that can't move on. I look for answers everywhere I go. How did a non-smoker die from a smokers disease?! How did she look so perfectly healthy only a week before her final moments?! Why couldn't she have stayed just a little while longer?! I mostly wonder... Did she know, was she just holding out for her wedding day, was it like a send off party, leaving us all with the best memory of all of her, the memory of her glowing with happiness, partying the night away in her perfectly fitted wedding dress after she became Mrs. Smith. I have received messages from her through mediums, so I know she is happy, I know in my heart she would want him to be happy, and in my heart I do too, I want both of them to be happy, there isn't any other two people in this world I want to be happy more than these two. I just can't let go. I want to let go. No, maybe I don't want to. No maybe about the fact that I am completely confused, happy that Alicia and Andy have found a genuine friendship in each other, but all I want to do is cry... So many different emotions mixed into the same bowl... I know I need to grieve and let go... I just don't know how.